Contemplation 2012

Wow, it's amazing how life changes and how priorities are adjusted.  When I first began this blog, it was a wonderful way to process moving to Indonesia and all the adjustments that we encountered.  I remember very specifically writing so that I wouldn't offend my new country members who might be reading, and I wouldn't cause my friends and family back home in Canada to insist that I come home immediately.  In setting these boundaries for myself, I was force to look at the good in where I was living, and to make the best of some really difficult situations.  Now, 4 years later, I feel that I am in a new stage of life and blogging is no longer as necessary as it was for me.  Couple that with having much less free time and the result is fewer posts...that and forgetting my password for a few weeks!

Our latest updates in a nutshell (o so many):
Tris and Sunny came to Indonesia for almost 5 weeks, and we had a great visit.  Revisited Bali for almost a week, and while in Lippo they were able to take advantage of the local country club while the rest of us worked or studied each weekday.  Time went by quickly and before we knew it, they had flown home and we were preparing to return for our summer visit to Canada.

We adopted a black dog named Jasper, and he is keeping us on our toes.  It's different adopting a dog that is almost an adult but we're willing to tackle the challenge.  He's not really very much like our Canadian Corgie dog, Willie, but he has some promise.  We think he's a cross between a border Collie and an Australian shepherd.  He's got this weird ridge back that friends of ours call a 'faux hawk.'  Very cute.

I've completed 3 of 12 Masters (teaching) courses and so am 25% finished.  Boy that feels good, although knowing I have 9 more to go can be a little daunting at times.  I'm studying online through a Christian university, and I love the challenges that the content provides.  It's causing me to really examine what I believe, why, and how I will take what I believe and appy it to all areas of my life.  This is a lot different from my first university degree!

Matt has finished grade 10 and will be starting his International Baccalaureate (IB) program for grade 11 and 12.  This is an intense program but it will be beneficial when it's time to head to university, as it focuses on preparing students for further study.

Abby finished grade 8 with a bang, earning a bunch of awards.  The highlight (for her parents) was Top Student for grade 8, and Scholar Athlete as well.  There were others but I may get in trouble if I put them all up for all to see:)

Tris has a new job description that gives him more admin and less teaching next year, which will be a nice challenge and change for him.  He's already starting working during the summer, with emails flying back and forth from Canada to Indonesia.  He's really looking forward to what this year will bring.

We're here in Canada now, and sadly, are halfway through our visit (today is the marker).  Heading back to Indonesia is always bittersweet, as we love our lives there, but it's hard to leave family and friends behind.  This year will be particularly difficult to return, though, as many of our good friends have moved to their home countries for various reasons, and there will be a big hole left.  We do look forward to meeting new friends though, and so will head home with a good attitude.

It's been a good day, spent with family and friends.  Trout fishing is the plan for tomorrow and so it's time to head to bed.

Thanks for reading

Canadian Taps & Wild Cows

There are some things that I just assume that my children know about, or at least have recollections about from living in Canada.  For example, on day 2 of our road trip we passed a field of Holstein cows, and Abby innocently asked "are there WILD cows around?"  After a little snicker (I apologize, but it was cute), we talked about how cows are typically domesticated in British Columbia.  Watch, one day she'll be hiking a mountaintop meadow and run across a wild cow, and both Tris and I will have to ask her forgiveness for snickering at her question.

I was a bit more taken aback at my brother's house when last evening one of my kids came out of the powder room and asked my sister-in-law how to work the tap.  It's one of those round, crystal taps that you turn left for hot, right for cold.  You push up to turn on the water and pull down to turn it off.  Simple.  Unless of course you've spent the last 3 years in a house that has only cold water in the kitchen and bathrooms (except for the showers which have individual hot and cold faucets), or in public toilets (not washrooms/bathrooms/restrooms) that either provide a squat toilet, a bucket and a scoop, or a sprayer coming out of the wall OR, in malls where the toilets flush themselves and the soap and water turn on automatically.  Those are the contrasting experiences we've had in the last 3 years, and none of them, apparently, includes a round, crystal tap.  This leads me to wonder what terribly exciting learning adventure is in store for my kids tomorrow.

Thanks for reading.

Is it really meaningless?

"Meaningless, Meaningless...everything is meaningless!"  These words, found in the book of Ecclesiastes, are believed to be written by King Solomon, the world's wisest and one of the richest men ever to have lived.  A few verses later (chapter 2) he adds "I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind."  I remember the first time that I really read those words, sitting on my bunk bed amongst all my roommates in Tijuana, Mexico.  They really depressed me, and I didn't understand what was being said, even when I read contextually.

Twenty years later, I'm still learning what those words mean.  As always, whenever I study a topic in my bible devotions, it isn't a coincidence that the same topic is being discussed in other studies I attend and in conversations occurring around me.  Quite often it relates to what is going on in my life and in the lives of those around me.  These last few weeks has been full of the question "why?"  Right now Japan is experiencing horrors that we can only imagine, the likes of which have been written about in futuristic novels based on catastrophic events like floods, quakes, explosions and the loss of thousands of lives. I can't even begin to imagine what they're going through, and to be painfully honest, I pray I don't ever find out.  In our own school community, a kindergarten child has died after going through surgery for a brain tumor, a staff member has lost his child to a convulsive fever, and a colleague of Tris' has passed away from cancer, all within a week's time.  Hearts are stirred and I pray that people are contemplating the meaning of life, the whys of what they're doing and who they're doing it for.  Those of us who are not acquainted with the people who have lost these loved ones still are touched by the deaths, by the loss of life, by the sadness that comes from their stories.

I live on an island, and in an earthquake zone.  I have lived this way most of my life, except some of it on the other side of the world.  People in my family have died from cancer.  Illness has touched my life in various ways throughout the years, whether someone else's or my own.  I can choose to life in fear and turn within myself, to close myself off from pain and challenges, from reality around me, and ultimately, from God, or I can choose to live the life that God has always had for me.  I struggle, I struggle badly sometimes, at following God's leading.  I know I resist, and sometimes I wonder if I am missing out on something else in my life because I didn't obey Him earlier in some areas.  That I will never know on this earth, but I continue on, asking forgiveness and God, always gracious and merciful, is always forgiving and loving me to the next step.

When Solomon was saying life was meaningless, I believe he wasn't referring to living.  He was referring to what we fill our living with.  I am learning--slowly, painfully, joyfully--that it doesn't matter what I do.  It's who I do it for.  If I'm looking for approval, acceptance, wealth, prestige, wanting 'stuff', it's all for naught.  Unless what I'm doing is going to continue on after I die, then it's worthless. I don't mean having a school or a road named after me, or even having a plaque stating all my good deeds at the city gate.  I mean when I die, will I have touched the lives of others? Will they have been drawn closer to Jesus because of my words, my deeds, my actions, and ultimately, because of my relationship with the Lord?  Am I doing 'good stuff' and creating a 'happy' environment for others, but not leaving a legacy that leads people to seek, to know and to believe God, their Creator?  If so, then I believe my life is truly meaningless.  My challenge to me is, how will I make it meaningful?  I know that one, maybe two generations will know of me after I am gone, maybe even three with the way we are able to record history now.  The question is, will anybody in the generations to come know the Lord because of me?  I pray daily that this is so.

Thanks for reading.

Praying God's Word

I like to think back, ponder actually, over the last little while of my life now and then, and see if I've learned anything or discovered something new about myself (or others).  The thing that I am most excited about lately is learning, after 30 some years of praying, how to pray God's word.  It's not a new concept to me, but for some reason it is hitting home.

I know that words are powerful.  We teach our children that once you say something, you can't pull it back.  It's out there and for good.  I'm not always the best example of speaking kindly or positively.  In fact, if I was to really think about it they could probably pop some popcorn and sit back to watch a full-length show when I open my mouth sometimes...but hopefully my kids can learn from my mistakes.  Maybe me, too.

Anyways, if my words are powerful, just imagine the power of my Creator's words.  In various studies I have been encouraged to use the bible as the model for my own prayers, my prayer about others, and even to pray for events.  For many years now I have felt compelled to pray for other countries, but honestly,  rarely do because I don't know how or what to pray.  Countries are big and have lots of aspects to cover!  The other day I chose to pray for the U.S., and then asked God to lead me to a specific scripture.  He did, and I ended up using a psalm to pray that God would raise up prayers within the U.S. for the U.S.  I wrote out the prayer, and then prayed it aloud.  A few days later I reread that prayer, and was blown away.  My words and my heart were entwined with God's thoughts and heart, and it was really exciting to read.  These weren't my thoughts, but they were spoken in words that i understood:  mine.

To some this might seem elementary, to others this may be a new concept.  Regardless, it is really exciting to me and I hope that some of my excitement might rub off on someone else.

Thanks for reading.

A quick glimpse of reality during real life

Tris and I went to the movies tonight.  We watched "The King's Speech" in one of the new malls in a nearby city.  Great movie (recommended, although not a lot of action), good company (went with friends), and excellent venue (the Premier...lazy-boys, delivery service to your chair, blankets...all for $3.50).  It was a good, spontaneous way to spend a free evening, and traffic was great, which is a bonus in a world where the traffic can make or break a good idea.

While I was lazing in my armchair, my mind wandered from the movie a bit.  I began to think of the first few times that we went to the movies here in Lippo Village.  I remember how it was a bit of a treat to get away from reality for a while, and to put my head into someone else's life if only for 1 1/2 hours.  I'd think to myself "wow, you're sitting in a movie theatre in Indonesia, halfway across the world, and when the lights go back on you won't be heading outside to garden on Copperfield Road...you'll be heading to your new house in Danau Biru."  Actually,  I wasn't THAT far into someone else's head or those thoughts wouldn't have had a place to land!

I had the same thought tonight, of how here we were, sitting in a movie theatre in Indonesia, watching a movie about an English king and an Australian, in a brand new, shiny mall.  I was no longer trying to get out of my head and escape reality for a few minutes, but I was realizing the irony of where I was sitting.  I will never get over how there is always poverty just a few steps away from any big mall in Jakarta and the area we live in.  Always.  What influenced this post specifically is when we were driving home, discussing the movie and the history surrounding it, I saw a man.  We were rounding a bend towards an on-ramp, in an area where people are less likely to be found.  He was squatting next to the road, a white plastic bag that had probably been thrown from someone's car window billowing near his knees, and its contents spread out in the dust so he could sort through the rubbish to find something to eat.  I remember pausing for a split second, watching him rub his eyes (it almost looked as if he was wiping away tears like a 2 year old would do), and then continuing on with my discussion.  For some reason that image stuck in my mind, and is likely to return again.

It's those split second moments in my life that cause me to think again, to check what I'm doing with my days, and to appreciate the goodness in my life.

Thanks for reading.

Philosophy of Charles Schulz

I received an email today and I'd like to share it with you. Although it's not really 'deep', it is 'simply' thought provoking. Read on:

The following is the philosophy of Charles Schulz, the creator of the 'Peanuts' comic strip. You don't have to actually answer the questions. Just ponder on them. Just read the e-mail straight through, and you'll get the point.

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.

2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.

3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America pageant.

4 Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.

5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.

6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

How did you do?

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields.

But the applause dies..

Awards tarnish..

Achievements are forgotten.

Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.

2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.

3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.

4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.

5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

Easier? The lesson:

The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the

most credentials, the most money...or the most awards.

They simply are the ones who care the most.

Thanks for reading.

Marriage

Marriage. It's a huge step. It also costs a lot. Not just the wedding itself, but the rest of it. I love my husband; he's my best friend in the whole wide world. There have been times when I'd like to kick him (seriously. I grew up with brothers...I did that kind of thing. Either that or stick him in the center of an inner tube and fling him down a hill...that is kind of fun though and it probably wouldn't let him know I was actually ticked off), where we don't really like each other that much, but we still love each other. In the beginning years we both admit that there were times where we'd wake up and look over at the other person, thinking "what have I done. I'm in this for life!" Mostly, however, I love being married. I love knowing someone's going to be there when I come home, knowing that if I can't eat all my burger I've got help, knowing I've got someone to make me take my vitamins when I can't be bothered, I like knowing that I'm beautiful to somebody, and I like knowing that I'm taken care of.

This is why I am sad. I'm sad because there are some really dumb guys out there. Sorry, male population, but there are! I've got some absolutely beautiful, intelligent, funny, adventuresome, non-threatening girlfriends who would love to find someone, settle down, have babies, make soup and berry pies (or eat out...whichever): someone to come home to. If I had my wish, I'd take the best of the best of the single men out there (and I'd find them!!), drill them for details, match them up with my girls and whah-lah! we'd have some good husbands for these lovely girls. I know I'm not supposed to play God and it's NOT my job, but the temptation is so big sometimes.

I just went to a bridal shower today. One of the new girls here was married 5 days before she moved to Indonesia, and two of her friends here threw her a post-wedding surprise shower, 2 months after her Big Day. I love going to showers, wedding or baby. There's always so much life involved, lots of hopes and dreams for the future, and usually some pretty funny stories if you pay

attention to what's being said around you. I especially love it when it's a surprise, and the bride actually falls for it, like Becky did today.

The shower was held at a new restaurant in town, Grasshopper Thai, where Emily the proprietor serves Thai food but will whip up a scrumptious English tea party for you as well. Today was a good day--an extra special day for Becky--spent with good friends.

Tris and I are working through the Love and Respect marriage series with a few young couples and a longer-term one, and we're getting a lot out of it. Each time we examine our own marriage, not only does it make me thankful for the man I've been blessed with, it makes me happy when I see others in my life blessed the same--difficulties, blemishes, even heartaches, and all. It also makes me wish the same for those I know want to be married, and that's been my prayer for these friends of mine for years. I'm happy to say that some of my prayers have been answered, and I know there are more to come:)

Thanks for reading.

BC Ferries

This is my first post in Canada. I haven't had wireless access until now, about a week after I wrote this. There's so much more to say but I'll leave it at this for now:

Sometimes life is so surreal. Like right now. Here I am sitting on a BC Ferry, right next to the window, with a blue sky, white puffy clouds and mountains wherever I look. Just like in my dreams. Mountains. I’ve blogged before about mountains and I haven’t changed my opinion. They’re still life-giving, whether you are on one or looking at them from the ocean.

I’ve been in Canada almost 2 days. Tris and Sunny picked me up at YVR June 1^st at 7 pm, and I’ve stayed at their house until this morning, June 3^rd. It’s been a great visit and we’ve been able to get a lot done. Yesterday we spent time with Tris’ sister’s family, including my 3 nieces and 1 nephew. It’s amazing how kids change in two years!! Now I’m heading to the island and I can hardly wait. However, I’ve waited this long and I guess I’ll just have to wait 2 more hours. My baby brother and his family are meeting me on the other side (we arranged this before Mom knew I was coming, so she and Dad are waiting in Campbell River for me).

It’s been a wonderful experience so far, despite the October temperatures (16 degrees? Hello! It’s JUNE) and rain. I’ve already done a lot of what I needed to do and it feels so good to have Canadian I.D. again. I now have a Canadian drivers license again, and my big ol’ van is insured. As much as I love my little Indo suv, there’s something special about that 4-door, 6-cd, 8 passenger, automatic sliding passenger door Chevy venture. What a beast it is; I’m really looking forward to spending our summer in it.

A few observations that I’ve made about Canada so far are:

*Canadians are quite big and hairy. Seriously.

*Canadians are good at making eye contact and smiling. Quite friendly, really.

*Value Village is still a great way to buy clothes. I shopped yesterday and felt like I was in an Indo outlet store. Same kind of prices, and a lot of what I bought was almost new.

*Seagulls are quite striking looking birds

*People here love gumboots and gortex.

*English is a truly beautiful language.

*Workers here wear boots, hats, and if near the water, life jackets. That’s a little different from the ones we see in Indo, wearing flip-flops or bare feet, climbing 3-storey bamboo scaffolding.

Those are just a few things I’ve noticed for now. At this point I’m just going to sit here and enjoy the announcements being made by the ferry staff. Usually they are just irritating and I ignore them, but there’s something wonderful about listening to English. Things have definitely changed though. Right now a safety announcement is being made, and a demo, just like on a plane, is being shown on a tv in the sitting area I’m in.

I’m almost home.

Thanks for reading.

Mother's Day

What does it mean to be a Mother? I guess it's a different description for each woman, with our own experiences and situations. What I've learned is that it's hard being a mom, not because of the children being rotten (although that happens) but because of the love that you have for your kids.

I've been given a gift, and sometimes I take that gift for granted. I let life get my attention and forget to look at the world directly around me, the one that is really, truly the center of why I exist for these years I'm in right now. My heart mourns the days when these two beautiful, chubby (they were chubby once!) little babies filled my entire day. Now my two favourite times of the day are 1: when they head off to school and 2: even better, when they return! Although I do miss those days, and I actually cry tears when I think of how precious those days at home with Matthew and Abigail were, I am so thankful that they're growing up healthy, happy, and that they know the Lord.

When the kids entered elementary school and their lives began expanding, it was my duty to begin to cut loose the apron strings. One of my favourite "development" memories is of when I forced them, quite literally, to walk together the 1 1/2 country blocks to our mail box. I watched them walk down the street from my red front door, the mailbox key in Matthew's hand, and waited for their return. It took all of 6 minutes (I think they ran once they got to the corner of our street and the "bigger" country road) yet it was a big day for all of us.

Now, with Matthew in Middle School and Abby in her last year of Junior (elementary) school, I am struggling to keep up with where they are, who they are with, and what they're doing. I trust that they're making good choices, and usually they're just hanging with friends at the school, but it's my prerogative to keep tabs on them at all times. There's talk of university applications already, and where we'll be when they graduate highschool. Really, we're looking at a possible 4 years left with Matt in our home, and 6 with Abby. That goes by so quickly! When that happens I won't be there any more to hug them when they're sad, or hurt, or both. There won't be anyone to come home to a house that smells like cookies, made just for them. There'll be Tris, but he doesn't throw his stuff down, fling his shoes wherever, and run into the kitchen to see what's baking. He at least washes his hands first.

I think the biggest privilege I've ever had in my life is to be able to raise Matthew and Abby. I've struggled for years with the idea that I've not used my education for income, yet it's all ok when I think that I've got years ahead to pursue my education and to expand my skills when they're off doing their own thing. I am thankful that I've been a mom and I wouldn't change it for the world.

Thanks for reading.

With the passing of Easter weekend and all the significance it holds, I've been thinking about life, material wealth, health and how they're all so temporal (uh oh, here comes a deep post...). Admittedly, I find it easier to contemplate wealth and lack thereof living here. We are finding that with our situation here it is actually easier to enjoy the 'finer things in life,' which we usually link up to food and good fun. Maybe that is why it's easier to experience the sense of guilt that comes with driving through poverty-stricken areas (which, honestly, is pretty much all of the Indo I've seen, with the odd pocket of upper class neighbourhoods tucked about). We sit in our nice, new (first time for everything) car, a/c blowing and usually, a cd playing, and we drive around the streets between Lippo Village and Jakarta. I have to admit, I love the drive, except when it's a turtle's pace. No matter where we are, there's always something to look at, but again, it usually has a sense of poverty attached.

For example, you can tell that the highways ran right through some villages years ago, because right next to the 6 lane byways are farmers ploughing their fields, harvesting their rice, and shepherding (huh?) their caribow (cattle that look like buffalo). Ragged bits of clothing hang on sticks shoved into the rice paddies, to help keep the pesky birds away. You can see decrepit little bamboo huts spotted throughout the fields. They are usually leaning over so far that you wonder how anyone can keep out of the rain and stay dry in them. What is particularly interesting are the Charlie Brown trees that hold myriads of torn kites along the side of the road. It doesn't matter how little money you have, you can always make a kite!

So there's the poverty along the roadside. It's more evident in the city, and I've posted a lot over the last 2 years on what I've seen there. However, there's also another kind of poverty here, and it's worldwide. It's the kind where people strive to look good, whether it's financially or physically, in leadership or employment, in making a name for ourselves while we're here. Here in Indo, presentation is everything. I don't think it is much different in North America much of the time, even if it is a subtler idea. Ultimately though, who cares? I know that I put years of paint, scrubbing, sewing, trim (well, that was Tris), and finally we put in new floors and windows into our house. It looked good for a time, but there was always something else to change, to fix, to improve upon. We're no longer in that house and I was still spending precious thought time (which I have a lot more of here) thinking of those horrible metal sliding doors we had in our bedroom. WHY? I still want to change them and we don't even own the house!!!

As my thoughts swirl and spiral about, it comes down to this: all is for naught, if you don't know why you're here. It's not to look good. I am a Christian, I believe that I have been put here, as God promises, for a purpose, and although I don't always know/believe what that is, I still trust that He knows what's going on and that if I give Him control, He'll give me direction. I still strive, although I'm not sure why or for whom. Probably myself most of all. As I age, as each Easter passes and I contemplate the death and resurrection of Jesus, I hope that I will one day get it, understand it to the core, that He really is the only reason I exist, and that He's the one who is in charge of 'looking good,' not me.

Thanks for reading.

My Two Cents

The other day someone commented that my blog reads like a travel blog. It's funny because blogging is just like any other area of your life; you learn what to do and what not to do over time and there's an 'etiquette' involved. What I've learned over the last year and a half is that this little bit of writing is available to all the world at the touch of a button, and so I have been careful to write with an 'informative' style. The problem with writing and then publishing immediately is that without a 'cooling period' there is the chance that the emotion that was written into a blog at say one o'clock has mellowed by 5 o'clock.

I realize that I have to use wisdom. If I had written about my emotional state on one of my homesick days, people back home would have taken up a collection and couriered me a ticket home. However, that's not why I'm here. I'm here to support my husband while he pursues a dream job in a place where there are palm trees (his personal dream for years), to encourage my kids in their education and personal development, and to find a niche of my own while I am here. On most days, I love it here. There are some times when I don't understand the cultural aspects around me and if I blogged about it I'd sound like a complaining whiner. I am a guest in this country, and if I was to write about all of the negative aspects of living here, what good is that to me and to those who are hosting me? Granted, I have shared a variety of stories, some funny, some sad, and some even kind of gross, but those go with the adventure of living here. Sometimes I neglect to write about the homesickness, the smells, the disgusting habits of some, and that's on purpose. I have chosen to keep some of my opinions to myself. I do realize though, that I need to continue to be honest and when it's necessary, share that through this blog.

People ask if I like it here. Yes I do. Will we be here a long time? I don't know. We're here until June 2011 for sure, and we'll take each year as it comes. Do I miss Canada? You'd better believe it. I miss the grandeur of BC, I miss quiet roads, I miss walking through cool trails and even cooler lakes. I especially miss my family and friends, sometimes to the point where I shed tears when no one is looking. Am I content? Yes, I am content in that I am where I am supposed to be. I am not always happy that my life takes these big turns and sometimes leaves me spinning, but I am learning through it all. This new life has been a huge learning curve and I am thankful for it. I'm curious to see where I'll be in a year from now, and what I'll be doing.

Chances are the next blog post will read like a travel blog, but I'll try and include some emotion in it now and then. I promise that I will always try and include photos...they say more than any words I could put together.

Thanks for reading.

I don't have a lot to say but my aunt sent me this via email and I thought it was a good one. It made me think, although my thoughts wandered from the content of this email to the school that we're involved with. It's interesting being part of a Christian school community in a predominantly (read 90%) Muslim country. I love how the focus is very Christ-centered, and it's more than just praying with the kids in the morning or having devotions. The teachers are encouraged to incorporate biblical worldview into all classes. This isn't always easy to do, especially in classes like PE and Food Tech, but it's still encouraged. There are some muslim, buddhist and hindu students in our school, and they're expected to participate in devotions and discussions as much as the Christian kids. I like it that the kids are challenged to think about the information they're given, and to think about their own spirituality, about whether or not it's important to them, regardless of whether it's important to their parents. They're challenged to make their spiritual growth their own.
One thing that is interesting about our school (and the public domain in general) is that although we have wheelchair access to most rooms, there is not one obviously physically handicapped student in our midst. Curious. Anyways, I digress. Here's the email. . .

After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said:
'Let me see if I've got this right.
'You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.
'You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride.
'You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job.
'You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the final exams.
'You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.
'You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.
'You want me to do all this and then you tell me. . . I CAN'T PRAY?

Street Boys in the City

I am a very visual person, which may seem ironic considering how blind I am/feel without my glasses. I cannot even answer the phone and hear the other person on the line properly until I put my glasses on. Lame, I know, but ask Tris, it's true. However, if I remember an event or a situation, I remember it as a positive or a negative experience by the 'colour' of my memory. For example, if it's a grey memory, even about a sunny summer day, it wasn't a happy event for me. I remember one very bright, sunny day when I answered the phone and had someone tell me of the suicide death of a family friend. The memory of me standing at the desk, holding our phone, looking out onto the summer flowers on our back deck, isn't bright and sunny. The colours of that day are muted and shadowed. Sometimes it's the memories of the stormy, grey, west coast autumn nights at home that are bright with the colours that surrounded us, like the warm quilts my kids wrapped themselves in on the couch, or the flames in our glass-fronted woodstove. What I see really influences me, and how I pull from that memory later sometimes surprises me.

If you've read my blogs recently, you'll note that we've been on holidays, and the holidays have been wonderful, relaxing and full of fun. We've spent time together as a family alone, together with other families, and although I haven't yet mentioned it, I even got to spend 2 days at a local hotel with Abby, just a girls time together. We headed to the mall where we dug in bargain bins for 'random' t-shirts (with weird sayings like "Help, I'm talking and I can't shut up!"), ate frozen yogourt and watched sappy dvds while we stuffed our faced with theatre popcorn, Junior Mints (found some here...what a treat!!) and some jelly bears. THAT is definitely going to be a bright memory.

It's funny, though, that as I look over the past 2 weeks, there's one scene that sticks in my mind, one fleeting memory that is dark not only because it was past 6 pm, but because of the scene itself. When I think of it I get that lump in my throat and it makes me really start to think of what it is I am doing here. It's one of those 'kick in my pants' moments that I hope spurs me on to keep holding on to the dreams God gave me years ago, and to allow the new dreams I have to grow and drive me forward. On Saturday night we were leaving one of our favourite 'Saturday night' restaurants and we headed into extremely busy traffic. The road we entered is a 6 lane road, with a cement divider between the two traffic directions. Walking across the street in this area is sometimes next to impossible and very dangerous for an adult, let alone a kid. To my right was this cement divide, and on it were two young boys. One of the boys was sitting there, playing with a piece of string or a stick, and he was facing the other boy, who was laying there. The boy laying down looked as though he was sleeping, and actually looked rather peaceful doing it. This isn't a terrible scene, with blood or pain involved, none evident on the surface at least. However, this scene shouldn't be occurring in the middle of 6 lanes of Saturday night city traffic. It looked like a scene that could have been lifted from one of the kampungs: two grubby little boys in torn clothes settling down together for the night. Neither of them looked too worried. In fact, the awake boy seemed oblivious to the dangers around him. It's not like I haven't seen scenes like this before. In fact, I've seen ones that could be considered far more traumatic, but this one has stuck with me like a pin stucking a live beetle to a cork board.

I'm not too sure how this scene will influence my decisions, but I do know that as I contemplate my Masters and whether or not I'll be able to get a job after I spend oodles of time and money on it, I am hoping and praying that I can become a part of the solution for boys like these. I'm not sure how, but as I continue to live here I'm praying God will give me the direction and the peace about the decisions I am making, and will open doors to do the things that burn within me.

Thanks for reading.